But You Were Running Such a Good Race!

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. “A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.” ~ Galatians 5:7-9

I haven’t written in a long time. So maybe it’s time? 

I’ve been struggling. That’s right. Struggling. On many levels. This is not a sympathy plea. Maybe empathy? Maybe a confession. Maybe there are those of you out there who’ve walked this path before. Or maybe you’re walking it now?

My path and leading Twelve3One Ministries are the same.

I became involved in orphan outreach many years ago as a volunteer with Worldwide Youth Camps (now Youthreach International). After that first experience, I felt “called” to devote myself to following a path of helping others. After that first ministry experience, I remember asking the Lord, “If I don’t do this who will?” And I just kept going back to Crimea and mainland Ukraine.

I’ve met so many amazing people, seen so many beautiful places, and experienced so many new things. Good and bad. I’ve had my heart broken more times than I can count. But I’ve rejoiced far more at times. I’ve felt God’s presence the entire time. And so I just kept going. I kept running.

In 2018 Linda and I founded Twelve3One Ministries. We created T3O for the sole purpose of helping a dear friend continue work in his tiny community in Ukraine.

“You were running a good race. …” (Galatians 5:7)

Only once in my life did I ever win a race …or come close. In 6th grade, we had to run the 600-yard dash as part of the President’s Physical Fitness Test. I hated running. I hated coming in last even more. I’m the youngest of 4 brothers. I competed for everything - real or imagined. I hated losing. I hated being teased for being the smallest.

I decided that just once I would win or place in “the 600”. I didn’t care how much it hurt. I didn’t care how much my lungs burned. I was going to win or finish in the top 3. All I had to do was push as hard as I could two laps around the cones marking the course on the athletic field. 

I was a quick little kid. But I never was able to pace myself. Give it all. Burn up every calorie you have. Go hard. Go fast. That was my mentality.

I remember that I came in 2nd place behind Steve Tow. Steve was a tough kid. Not only was he an athlete at 12. He was fast, he was strong too. He could sustain his pace. Not only that, Steve was confident. Honestly, I was intimidated by Steve. I would rather he just would've punched me in the mouth rather than look at me. It would be less painful.

I thought if I could just get behind him and stay there without letting anyone pass me I just might finish well. It worked - barely. I came in second.

I…was running so well and then...

In August 2019 at the age of 58, three days before our daughter’s birthday, my position in the company where I had worked for 21 years was unceremoniously terminated without warning or gratitude...by phone. The boss didn't even have the backbone to stay on the call. He excused himself to some fake meeting.

I needed to work for 7 more years and then retire. I needed those years. We needed our retirement investments to grow. 

At first, I thought I would bounce back and QUICK! I had a history of stellar performance in the workplace. I thought surely with all my experience and expertise something would come quickly and I could pocket the severance! Not just bounce back but get ahead!! 

It soon became evident that wasn’t going to happen. Instead, I got a pandemic. All those cherry opportunities soon dried up or companies didn’t want to pay for my experience. I lowered my sights even. Nothing worked. I soon discovered that I was too old, too experienced, too expensive, too…whatever. You name it. I was that.

The only bouncing I did was on the pavement. Let me tell you, bouncing off the pavement while running life's race at full stride knowing the finish is not far… hurts. A lot. I bounced and slid all over the pavement. It was ugly. When you hit that hard you see stars. The air exiting your lungs makes an audible noise and leaves you feeling sucker-punched in the gut. You feel like puking but you can’t inhale enough to do so. You’re desperate for air but your diaphragm doesn’t work.

You realize you’re bleeding. And not from just one spot. Your chin, your lip. Your eye starts to swell from smacking it so hard on the pavement. And…is that a loose tooth? You pick the tiny gravel out of your skinned knees and palms. Your left elbow is on fire!! And you’re still trying to breathe.

I remember about a month afterward I constantly reminded myself not to think past tomorrow. Anything else would only cause waves of panic to overtake me and set in like the tide at storm surge. And it did. Often. Panic moved in and set up house along with shame and despair. I was hurt, angry, in mourning, lost, and stressed out of my head.

“Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you to freedom.” (verse 7-8)

I applied for over 90 open positions. Yep, over 90. To be exact, 92 to date. “We’re taking another direction”. “Thanks. We’ll keep your resume on file”. “Your body of work is most impressive. But you over-qualified”. These are all the “death knells” of job hunting.

And the advice from everyone! “Hey, Joel, why don’t you try…(whatever). I know they meant well. Like they had ever walked in my shoes (eyes rolling). It’s easy to dole out advice when you’re not the one struggling. Friends, don't dole out advice to those suffering from loss unless they ask you. That's not advice. It's a statement. Just don't do it. It's like getting dowsed with a bucket full of isopropyl alcohol after that "bounce and slide" off the pavement.

A revelation...

A year and a half later I was sitting on the back porch having coffee one morning. You may have heard this story. I was angry at God. In my mind, I was screaming, “Why? Why can’t I work? Why can’t I earn income to care for my family? Why would you provide me with all this skill, experience, and expertise only to let it be taken away? Why? Why can’t I wor…”

Before I could finish my rant, I distinctly heard a voice speak…sternly. Like when your dad is listening to a rant about using the car on Friday and raises his voice a little to silence you. “I. Never. Said. That!” Embarrassed, I said, “Oh, but…” and I started in again. But before I could make my case I heard that voice again.

“Do it for me!”

“Do what?”, I said. Then it dawned on me. God wanted me to bring all that I am to the table. My skill, my experience, my expertise, my talent. My passion and lay it there. All the stuff he gave me in the first place. I remember my response.

I said, “OK. If that’s what you want. I see what you’re doing.” I remember feeling acutely humble and foolish. Then grateful. After a year and a half, we still had a house. We had groceries, food in the pantry and fridge, and gas in the cars. We had cars! Old cars but working nevertheless. 

During that time, I remember seeing the social posts of wealthier friends complaining about rising prices and inflation and how it cost so much to fill up the RV or that they would skip their weekly 8-9 hour trip to the beach. It made me boil. There were so many posts about how their lives were impacted by the high price of milk. They had jobs, Audi's, big houses, and income. I was scraping for every penny I could earn at odd jobs doing whatever repairs. Linda was taking on new housekeeping clients and working all the time - hard. I couldn’t even get a job as a church janitor. It felt horrible. I was worried all the time about losing everything. I'm grateful and humbled by the way Linda stepped up. If ever I needed a "helper" it was during this time.

I remember the conversation that continued. I said, “Papa, I’m going to need… I need equipping. I need resources. I need new skills. I need people… I need PROTECTION!! Financial protection. I need help, Papa. I need leading. Lead me!”

God even allowed me to be tested. Another organization during that time asked me to join them. I was thinking, "Finally! Someone noticed me!" But as I began to pursue it the question kept coming back and from more than one direction, "Are you ready to give up and throw in the towel on T3O so soon?"

I realized then that it was going to require my faith. Faith is the belief in things that can't be seen. So I let the opportunity pass.

This race isn't easy. Especially the last 3-4 years. I still don’t earn a single penny. And Linda works. She works HARD. I hate she has to work. She picks up all the slack. All of it.

The guilt, shame, and self-pity are the worst. always present, sitting in the corner, lingering. Panic shows up sometimes to hang out. Most days I can convince myself that it’s not the truth. Most days.

“a little yeast that spreads through the whole batch of dough!” (v.9)

Paul goes on to say, 

“I am trusting the Lord to keep you from believing false teachings. God will judge that person, whoever he is, who has been confusing you.” (v.10) 

I know where the doubt, guilt, shame, and confusion come from. I need the grace of Jesus to remind me of the false teachings and the lies of the false teacher. I know he has already been judged and condemned. It’s hard sometimes to make myself remember these truths. That’s the insidious nature of lies. The concoction is still a bitter and difficult poison to swallow.

The truth is I’ve done nothing to earn losing a career, security, and income. Job did nothing to earn his plight. Scripture doesn’t say “IF bad things happen” but rather “WHEN”. It doesn’t make it any less painful. I’m wounded deeply for sure. But through it all, I see God’s healing power, His mercy, His grace, and His promises, HIS PURPOSE. I see wounds healing and becoming scars - numb lines of hardened skin.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.”  (Isaiah 53:5)

The interesting thing about scars is that, especially with guys, they become bragging points. “Oh and this one? I got it when (fill in the blank).” And I see God’s truth in those scars.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)

That sounds a lot like pruning. A vine, when pruned, supplies more fruit the next season than if it had been left alone. Pruning is painful. In pruning, the vine is disciplined by the vine master. It’s hard for me to see it sometimes when all I feel is the sting of the pruning shears. It’s hard for my family too. I know they want what’s best.

It was hard for Noah’s family. Some of his relatives thought he was crazy. Certainly, his neighbors did down at the synagogue. Job’s friends didn’t understand. They kept telling him to give up and “curse God”. I don’t know why the ability, the responsibility to care for my family is out of reach at the moment. Something unproductive in my life is being pruned away and cast into the fire so I can bear more fruit. I have to believe that. I only have to persevere. I can only endure and keep running.

In 2022, Russia invaded Ukraine. Everything changed. More pruning. People were dying, losing homes, and losing loved ones. Some of them were barely escaping with their lives. God had been preparing me for that moment. He was preparing me for February 2022. My whole perspective changed. But even now people are dying on both sides in the tens of thousands

I know that Twelve3One is HIS purpose for me - it has become my new purpose. It’s hard to walk this road. It's lonely sometimes. But it's so much lighter than the burden I was carrying. The accuser would have me believe the lies of despair, depression, forsakenness, and shame. Paul must have felt it. He had to have felt like caving in at times.

 “Are they servants of Christ? I know I sound like a madman, but I have served him far more! I have worked harder, been put in prison more often, been whipped times without number, and faced death again and again. Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes.  Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not. I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm.” (2 Corinthians 11: 23-27)

But I remember the truth of the One to whom I belong. The One who called me. The One I serve.

And yet God is calling me to run. And I see my opponent is bent on taking me out of the race. I can see him ahead of me. And I’m not taking second place this time.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)

Well, Jesus? I’m watching. My eyes are fixed on you. I feel defeated at times, beat up, ashamed, burdened, weighed down, wounded….deeply…as though I may never heal. But that's not your yoke. I'm still working on letting go of the old yoke. But I remember this…

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” (Hebrews 12:1-29 ESV)

Wounds heal. Strength returns. In life, I have done many things in my life professionally. I've done a lot. Now? I'm the Executive Director of a benevolent ministry known as Twelve3One. Aside from being a husband and father, it is quite possibly the third most important role I have held with the smallest salary - none. And so I keep running. I persevere.

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (Ph. 4:13)

So can you. Peace.

Keep running!